For the past 4 years I've been struggling with all these questions:
Do I follow the Baha'i law of chastity, or fully embrace my sexuality as a lesbian?
Do I look to the Holy Books for answers, or find them in my own heart?
Do I focus on following the Manifestation, or manifesting my own spark of Divinity?
Do I 'turn away from the world of matter', or dive right into all that it has to offer?
Do I try to transcend my emotions, or concentrate on feeling them fully and finding gifts in them?
Do I learn to be happy in prison, or concentrate on breaking out?
Do I stay in the safe, secure job, or take a crazy leap of faith to follow a dream?
Do I 'give myself away', or 'fill my own cup first?
Why does doing the 'wrong' things feel so right?
With the help of some wonderful friends, I've been starting to let myself believe that I have the power to create my own reality, but still feeling guilty about it a lot of the time. I've been flipping back and forth between 'I'd have been a Baha'i if I wasn't a lesbian' and 'I'd have been a lesbian if I wasn't a Baha'i' and then fooling myself that I could have it both ways. But it wasn't until I read this article by Andrrea Hess that I realised I was actually sabotaging myself by trying to follow two opposing paths at once:
I found it hugely helpful, not only for thinking about money, but also sexuality and desire...
also - I may have mentioned it before but I love love love the My Silent Half blog: http://wordpress.com/mysilenthalf
It is by a pastor from the American Midwest who came out as a lesbian and moved 800 miles across the country to be with the woman she loved - she writes so powerfully about love, sexuality and faith...
Yours in solidarity, love and hope,