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A Lesbian’s Love/Hate Song to God

It’s thanks to you that I’m alive. I hate you more with every day.

You almost make me want to die. I love you more than words can say.

 

I want to smash your godly face, but all I do is punch the air.

I want to feel your soft embrace, but when I sleep there’s no-one there.

I want to burn the Holy Books and throw the ashes in the sea,

But even if I burned the world, I’d breathe the smoke and there you’d be.

You pin me up against a wall. There’s no way out. There’s no way through.

I want to, but I can’t. I won’t. I’m leaving her. I’m leaving you.

I can’t forget. I can’t remember. Have to. Can’t. I won’t give in.

I need to. Can’t, though. There’s no path. It never works. I just can’t win.

So why the hell did you create a creature wired up all wrong?

I love her. Hate her. Love you. Hate you. Love this girl and hate this song.

You made my heart. You made the rules. So what the fuck? Why don’t they match?

You tell me love is good. I love her. What’s so bad, then? Where’s the catch?

You tell me, “Pray.” I’ve prayed and prayed until I thought my soul would crack.

Why don’t you listen? Can’t you hear? There’s no way forward, no way back.

I wish I’d never heard her name. I wish I’d never heard your voice,

Then I could love her all my life. I wish I didn’t have this choice.

 

- By Morwenna (not my real name), April 2014

 

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