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Mark Tobey (1890-1976),

famous artist, dedicated and devout Baha'i, was gay. His life and work were commemorated.. More

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inside a turbulent mind

I've been a baha'i for a few years now. I'm not going to get super detailed about my past because I'm in the closet and alot of people know my story very well. First thanks for creating this outlet its my first public truth telling and maybe my only one. I'm celebrated as a model Baha'i. When I declared I had more than my share of negative attributes. And through my faith and practice with Baha'u'llah guiding and strengthening me I have overcome almost all of them along with improving myself and growing in virtues at a very noticeable rate. The one thing that I have not been able to overcome is the homosexuality. (Its all mental - I havn't acted anything out and have had a couple very successful straight Baha'i relationships that ended well but most likely ended because of my inability to be completely honest and commited) And lately it has encomposed me from every angle with hardships. I feel like my beautiful life that I loved and worked so hard to build is starting to fall apart. I'm at a fork in the road that seems like all impossible paths. one embrace the homosexual lifestyle giving up the great life I've built... family, community, career, steadfastness on a gamble that I might find a more true acceptance, love, and relief. two Keep the lie and hope that I can maintain my life or better yet conquer this last spiritual mountain that is so obviously in my path. (conquering by not giving in to lust and maybe even having a sucessful honest straight marraige where my spouse knows and accepts that I'm homosexual/ bisexual) To be clear I am attracted to both sexes just alot more to the same sex and lately almost exclusively attracted to the same sex, which gives me the discouraging feeling that it's getting worse! I've conquered alot of seemingly impossible tests so far, addictions and worse. I feel at the same time spiritually stronger and spiritually more helpless than I ever have. Homosexuality is my dispare, I pray everyday and sometimes I am full of hope and sometimes I would rather die than face the future because I know this is something I have to deal with one way or another and even the best case scenerio (finding someone to have a straight relationship with that loves and accepts me for who I really am even though I might take more effort to be arroused toward them and us both being able to handle the stigma of that kind of relationship. And to be honest to everyone about it.) even that best scenerio seems impossible and will require me to "come out" which honestly terrifies me! I never expected life to be easy, because I don't remember it ever being easy. This is one thing I beg with all humbleness to God, Show me what to do...

I obviosly don't have any answers but I do believe the Baha'i faiths teachings are to accept and sympothise with homosexuals. And I believe the community will eventually live by these teachings. My hope is that this will happen soon for the sake of our spiritual growth both as individuals and as a community. I feel that if the community was more accepting and supportive I could more easily get past this test and focus on more important things, but here is one of the challanges of the time we live in. My prayers go out to everyone that struggles with these hardships. I know from personal experience that homosexuallity is the hardest test I've had to deal with and I've been through alot of hard tests. Thanks again for providing this outlet for people it is very needed and appreciated

 

Anonymous

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