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My Life Thus Far

Hello everyone,

I'd like to share my story thus far, the story, the life that I have been struggling with for the twenty years I've been on Earth.

I was born into a Baha'i family, I am a 5th generation Baha'i. My family has a deep history from the abuse they suffered in Iran, the martyr of my great-grandfather and I believe that everyone is still struggling with the emotional and psychological effects the trauma has passed down through the generations.

I was born and raised in Canada, I think it's kind of cool that I became a Canadian citizen before my parents did as they were still in the process of immigration. My mother and father had an arranged marriage due to the circumstances in Iran, to this day they cannot seem to get along with each other. Let me just say that the household has always been a very stressful and scary place for me.

I don't remember much of my childhood, I remember random memories very vividly, however, the emotions attached to them are sewn in very deep. As a child, I knew I was different. I didn't like boys. I had many male friends and when they would tell me that they loved me and wanted to date me, I felt betrayed because I didn't see how a male and female could have more than a friendship. I had crushes on my female friends, I remember hitting puberty and having a hard time taking my eyes off of the bodies of my fellow female classmates and friends. I knew it was wrong, but I hid it and hoped that it would go away. I discovered lesbian pornography and I felt like it was my world, our secret. I was so ashamed. I was always a sad child, I remember feeling so alone in the world and so wrong for existing.

In highschool, I started becoming more aware of homosexuality. I became interested in it, had many gay friends and I loved them dearly. They are still close to me to this day and I still love them so much.

I have always struggled with depression and anxiety. I always felt so lost and confused, there was a lot in my life that exhausted me. When I was 15 my depression seemed to spiral out of control and I became involved in self-harm and had suicidal tendencies. I was constantly seeing the school counsellor. For my 15th birthday I told my dad that all i wanted was to see a psychiatrist and get on anti-depressants, I was tired of the trips to the hospital and the pain I caused my parents. He took me. I started seeing a child psychiatrist and was eventually diagnosed with PTSD and clinical depression.. I was also given a heavy dose of anti-depressants and anti-psychotics.

I know it may seem like I am very much off topic, but the rest of my story won't really make sense unless I explain this at least.

The rest of the years were kind of a blur, probably because of the meds. I tried dating a boy to test if I really was gay, but i refused to do anything sexual with him so he cheated on me and we ended up breaking up. He felt more like a best friend, rather than a boyfriend while we dated. I had a couple friendships with female friends that eventually turned into something more. I fell in love, but I was so scared and I refused to do anything sexual, even during sleepovers I couldn't do more than hug and hold hands without crying out of shame. I told her how wrong I felt and she understood.

All the while I have been reading baha'i writings about homosexuality and praying for god to give me the strength to change. I remember reading something that really broke my heart..

"No matter how devoted and fine the love may be between people of the same sex, to let it find expression in sexual acts is wrong. To say that it is ideal is no excuse. "

I decided that I would force myself to be straight. All of my friends were against it, they told me to be myself, that I was beautiful the way i was. Even my many straight friends told me that they didn't have problem with it, that they loved me for who I was. But I knew it was possible to change if the faith said it was. I told them that I had nothing against being gay.. but maybe it just wasn't for me.

It was so hard. I went through phases of dressing like a male, considering to get a sex-change so maybe it would be okay for me to love females. I didn't allow myself to focus on women. I would force myself to look at men, try to pick out something, anything, in their appearance that i found attractive. All i could really see was that some wore nice clothes. It was hopeless for months, but after a while I started thinking that they had nice eyes and I guess their hair looked nice too. It got better and I slowly developed crushes on some boys in my highschool, even though the ones i chose looked very feminine. It seemed, however, that while I was doing this.. women became looking more and more attractive. I began having very sexual dreams about being women, but I really tried to stick to the plan to change.

I'm not quite sure when it happened, it must have been around grade 10. A character named N* emerged within me. I made a fake account online, and there it was okay for me to love women, to think of having a future with them. The funny thing is.. N ended up being gay himself not too long after he emerged, he told them that he could love them as friends, but that he didn't love them in that way. The story progressed as he began chatting with people... he ended up having an abusive boyfriend named M within me as well. Later on, A came about, he is more of the good guy and Nathan's guardian.

*I'm sorry, I don't want to disclose their names so I'm just using the first letter of their names instead.*

I really lost myself and would spend more time online or ' as the boys' than I would as myself. I would lay in bed and just disappear, thinking about their lives and their feelings. I developed depersonalization and dissociation, as my counsellor called it. I called it the 'Grey Living'. Everything was a mess.

I don't really know how I got by, but i managed to get through highschool with good grades and some neat stuff to put on my resume. I dated an older male in highschool who seemed to be in love with me, we had a long distance relationship when he moved away for college. I told this male before we started dating that I was into girls although I wanted to become straight, but he said that it was alright and that hopefully he could help me. But even when we were together, we couldn't do more than kissing. And even with that, I had to pretend that I was kissing a girl. We ended up breaking up for the same reasons as my last boyfriend; I wasn't attentive enough and it wasn't fair to him. It bothered him how I would trail my hands down to his chest then stop abruptly after feeling nothing there. We're still friends though, which I'm thankful for since he really is a good person.

I started going to gay bars and meeting a lot of homosexual individuals, I made good friends and for the first time, had intimate moments like kissing and dancing with other females. The first time I kissed a girl, it felt like my first kiss. I was dazed, it was amazing. It felt like I was floating. I was immediately bombarded with feelings of guilt and I prayed so hard to be forgiven. After a few times of this happening, I started to avoid gay bars and my gay friends, thinking that if i was around them less I wouldn't be so tempted to act on my desires. Over time, the urges went away, and thanks to N i began finding men attractive. Although, those men were usually feminine looking, they were still men. The lesbian porn was replaced with gay porn. I stopped wearing makeup on a daily basis, I felt more masculine, i cut my hair short, things were getting weird.

I started university with hopes of becoming a doctor. I began seeing a psychiatrist at the university and things were going alright, meds were changed and lowered over time, it was livable. She pointed out that I have a gender identity disorder.

The beginning of 2011, I ended up going to a gay bar again for new years. I had agreed to kiss a close friend of mine who had feelings for me, and I for her. When new year's was about to strike, I felt sick at the thought of kissing her, someone of my same gender. But she was so beautiful and happy to be with me that I kissed her at midnight like planned. I went home ten minutes later just as the real partying was about to commence. It felt so wrong and horrible.. I was so upset with myself. A few days later, I noticed that i didn't find women attractive anymore, or at least, not to the extent as I used to. I began to wonder if this was all a phase, albeit, a long one, but still a phase. Either way, I was actually starting to feel normal.

A little less than a year ago, I began writing a fiction about my other characters as a way for them to be free, and not be so present in my day to day life, by giving them a life of their own. Their voices in my head were becoming very scary and hard to deal with. I posted this story online (which i'm sill writing and working on) and it has become kind of popular among the readers. A couple months ago, I began having switches. N would come out and it was very unsettling. N would have constant panic attacks, he would make my body go cold and he would be tense and not breathe enough. I would be gasping for air and stretching my body for relief when i came back after a few hours.

My psychiatrist told me about something called Dissociative Identity Disorder. I am now in the process of seeing a specialist for this disorder. All of these personalities struggle with homosexuality, which is something that I find very interesting. After I told my psychiatrist about this, M came out for the first time. He was very angry. He is the angry one, he is aggressive and makes me feel very dirty.

I have a close gay friend in his forties, he is married with an adopted child. We often talk online and I opened up to him about my personalities, he handles them very well and they love talking to him, especially N.

At this point in my life right now, I feel like I am 15% attracted to women, and 85% to men. I never consider being bisexual as an option although I have many friends who identify as such, it's just not for me. I want to be straight.. I know I can. When people as my sexuality, I just tell them that I'm still working on it. That I'm still in the process of figuring out, it's under construction. :)

I still have moments where I will develop crushes on my female friends once we get really closer.. and it doesn't help when they sometimes end up feeling the same way. But I don't let it get it anywhere. I have refrained from dating until I can get my mental health under control.

What I want you to know.. is that it IS possible to change. It is gruesome.. it will feel like you're destroying yourself.. it could very well give you problems that seem worse than what you began with. But it's worth it. I know it is. It may not feel like it now, even to me, but i know that I will be proud of myself when this is all over. I feel more worthy of speaking to God now that I have come this far, I really want to help others with this as well. I know that I'm not a good Baha'i. In fact, I feel ashamed for telling people my religion sometimes because I don't want their knowledge of who i am to taint their view on the faith. I am trying though. I read the Baha'i writings and try to be active in my community. I say my daily prayers and speak with God often, reminding Him that I haven't turned my back to him.. that I am still trying to work this out.

I know I didn't go into detail about exactly what I did to make the change.. to force myself to be straight. It was about a three year process. I had many slips.. but if you want to know more I will be more than happy to tell you. I WANT to tell you. I just didn't want to make this story longer than it already is.

I will respond to everyone that replies this story.

And, I'd also like to say, that the DID i developed is not solely due to the transition from being homosexual to heterosexual, but because of the PTSD of my past. The change, I believe, had a role in the identity development of the characters, it wasn't the circumstance to cause the disorder itself.

I should get going to bed now.. Thank you so much for reading this.

I love you all dearly and I hope to hear from anyone who reads this, I love responding to comments, be it positive or negative ones.

 

I am anonymous, but I am real.

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