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Resigned (but not resigned)

I'm resigned to the fact that I can not see a bridge back to The Faith for me. Still, I haven't resigned formally. I just drifted away...
I am a second generation Baha'i, now lapsed, but always haunted. At 42 I've been away from the Baha'i teachings for 17 years. It's just a natural progression for me, nothing I could stop. It was slow and gradual and ultimately complete. I still think of my dear departed mother, who was such a lover of Baha'u'llah. I remember my passionate love and aching for Baha'u'llah as a youth. I don't know what to do with those remembrances other than resign to the reality of what is: in my heart, I have no connection with the Baha'i world. even though The Faith was pivotal in informing my world view, my primary education, my youth. It helped my large and complicated family cope with adversity. It set me ablaze after I left home and was exploring the world on my own for the first time. A few years later it had become too big an inner conflict, since I couldn't stop wanting to be loved and to love - another man.
I now find it hard to not regard any religiosity as naive and silly, dismissible - even though I try to remain respectful. I'm totally lost in this world, trying, flailing in my attempts to make it through life with a sense of well-being, with a spouse. At 42 I've not found that spouse. I wonder if I'm psychologically set up to fail in love because of my experience being a Baha'i. I know I'm turning my back against "God" and so in a sense "He's" not on my side. I'm alone in the darkness. And I don't believe there really is any more "LIGHT" than I myself can see - in a world tearing itself apart with dysfunction and peril and relentless human frailty.
I went out and got drunk tonight. I'm trying to bounce back from another relationship that didn't work out. Down but not beaten. Arrrrr!!!
Thanks for reading. What a great project this is. It's important.


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